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The fourof us 'girls' headed out the door. Joanne and I sat in back while mom andAunt Betty chatted in the front seat."You're doing all this just to win a contest?" Joanne asked."Yes! I only took second place last year and this is my last chance to win. Itold mom I would do anything to win. I even had my ears pierced, see!" Imoved my hair from over my ears to show Joanne the tiny gold studs."You sure are putting a lot of effort into this. What about after thecontest? You seem to have some clothes that aren't exactly for a boy! "Joanne was pointing at my outfit."I don't know. (whispering) I think mom wants me to be her daughtersometimes. I don't know what will happen after Halloween. Don't tell anyone,okay?" I made Joanne 'pinkie swear' not to tell anyone.We talked about Joanne's costume for her school party. She was going as'Malibu Barbie'. She had a wig and all the clothes already at home. They hadbought her a bra and stuffing so she could have the right shape for Barbie.We laughed. But I’m sorry for thinking your feelings were unjustified.Leah cleared that up for me. That’s for sure.But just like you told me once, my feelings aren’t necessarily rational but it doesn’t change them.I feel betrayed by my sister. But I also feel betrayed by my parents for not stopping her. And sadly, my love, I feel betrayed by you too for not protecting me.But I know these thoughts aren’t rational so I’m going away for a while to fix things. I need to be able to close my eyes without seeing that day. I need to be able to see you without reliving the last time you held me in your arms.I want you to know that I’m not deserting you. I swear I’m not. I don’t know when but someday I’ll find you, if only to give you a better explanation. As soon as I can be the person that I need to be for me and the person I need to be for you.I hope you’ll give me time to find what I need and I hope you’ll respect my need for privacy. It’s not that I don’t want to see you. I just can’t put my life.
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