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I’m ashamed of it and proud of it at the same time. And it feels good to say it, to have you read it, to have you think, “what a fucking faggot!”And when I finally can take no more, I jerk off, shooting my load on the restroom floor or onto a tree in the woods. Then I get up, my knees hurting and covered with dirt, my mouth tasting like cum, semen on my breath, and then I feel bad about myself, recriminating myself for being such a faggot, for letting men use me like that. I wallow in the self-abuse and low self-esteem. It feels so good to feel so bad. And sometimes it feels so go that I turn around and go back to the restroom or woods and let another man use me, just so I can feel even badder. Just so I can be so degraded and depraved.As I drive toward the park, I talk to myself in the car. I’m not losing my mind, no. But it feels good to hear out loud, some of the things I am thinking. To hear, stated plainly and calmly, what I plan on doing. “I wonder if I’ll meet a man out in the. We do have to keep an eye on our patients for infection, but that ‘horse stuff’ you have should work. Think you can get more of that for me?’ ‘I’ll leave you some of what I have. I think I have the instructions on how to make more, in one of my books. I know it is actually made from the mold that you can find on some fruits. I’ll have to look through my books, and do some experimenting, before I’m sure.’ I paid Clem for instruments he would be making, and he grinned. He told me, ‘I think I might make a lot of extra copies of some of these. It will be something to do while we’re snowed in this winter. I can see a lot of other uses for some of these. Especially the one that clamps shut,’ he added, pointing to the hemostats. ‘Yes, those are very handy for a lot of things. But remember to use good steel to make them. Spring steel works best. That’s what these are made of. Then, these are plated to prevent corrosion.’ Clem thought for a minute then said, ‘I’ve done some electoral plating.
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