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With a rush of adrenaline I entered the room to be greeted by a welcoming cheer. I stood for several moments soaking up the atmosphere, taking in every detail of the room and my reception. Remembering how I had stood on this spot just a few hours ago trying to imagine this very moment.In the middle of the room lay the duvet I had prepared earlier and asked to have spread out across the floor while I was away. I crossed to the middle of the room, gratefully accepting the glass of wine Jonathon offered me on the way. The room hushed and I felt myself redden under their gaze. The hollowness of my stomach grew to a vast empty void as I set my glass down on the mantelpiece and turned back to face them. I could feel my face burning brightly. Nervously I slipped the knot at my waist and let my hand fall. My gown parted at the front, but not completely. They fanned out around me, jostling for space, the room almost totally devoid of conversation. I reached back for my glass, doing nothing to. Then I wouldn’t have this huge ache inside. I recognize these thoughts as foolish, and I brush them aside. I focus on better, positive thoughts. On healthier imaginings. The other part of me is happy you no longer suffer. I couldn’t stand to hear you talk about the pain. It made me feel helpless, the simple words I had to offer seeming insignificant and paltry. The ache is eased simply knowing your pain is forever gone. I smile thinking of you reunited with your daughter. The daughter we all wanted, who left too soon. I can see you both, beautiful and happy, relaxing together in a warm, sun dappled meadow, finally at peace. I don’t know how long it will take for my pain to ease completely. It could be weeks, or years. I do know I will never forget you. There is a very warm and safe place in my heart, and perhaps even in my soul, that belongs to you. To your memory. You were the first woman I fell in love with. I wanted you in my life in a permanent and endless way. I will.
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