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I was able to suppress my desires, making do with the vanilla love-making of my husband. In fact I thought I was over it until my daughter moved out the next year, and I found myself at home alone with my other son, Jason. Images of he and I began sneaking into my masturbatory fantasies. I pushed them aside as best I could until eventually they were the ONLY things I saw when I closed my eyes. I started haphazardly ‘flirting’ with my son, it sounds ridiculous and perverse I know. It was nothing overtly sexual (at first), I would just sit next to him at every meal, and I would hug and touch him more than I used to. I wore skirts and no undies when he got home, hoping that somehow he would go through the same mood swing as his brother and just take me. But it never happened. I tried being really close with him, asking about his day, and girls. I used slang and even curse words, trying to seem more like a friend and less like his mother. We were being really friendly, which was nice,. It was my letters to John, marked “Return to Sender – Deceased”.I cried, I screamed, my sister did all she could for me. Finally, I did what I had to do since the middle of last year. In mid-March I turned in my stuff at work, collected my last check, and caught a train home. I by now was always wearing black, and never went without a gift from Kay. It was a small pin with a wreath around it, a blue background, and a gold star on it.And it was strange. Even when I passed into Texas than Louisiana, even the white folks would see me and I could sense their sadness. And more than a few came up and gave me their blessings, and offered their condolences. Of course, I was positive that they all just assumed my husband had been colored like me. But I no longer cared, I still missed John.Ma met me at the station, and after a hug we drove home and she helped me unpack and get settled in again. I was still crying a lot, but she told me that was actually normal for what I was going through. Dad.
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