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I had to bite my lipto keep myself from calling him back. I realized then that I wasincredibly horny, to boot.And I also realized I had no erection.That kind of shocked me out of any warm fuzzy feelings I had. Asomewhat desperate search revealed that it had finally happened. Mydick was gone. IS gone. I'm a girl.I'm not sure how long I cried for. I managed to stop before Ian cameback to get dressed, so I guess it can't have been too long. I almostregret that. I would have liked for him to come back and find me allupset. To put his arm around me and ask what was wrong. To hold meclose. Maybe kiss me...I want that so BAD. But I don't WANT to want it.As far as I can tell, there's nothing more to change. Except my mind,and that's changed plenty already, as far as I'm concerned. But I don'tsee how I can stop it.OCTOBER 30Well. This explains a lot.Everything, really. I know what's going on, now.Let me explain.Now, it had felt kind of nice to wake up so close to Ian. . It’s all a piece of heaven.I wanted all this with Maryam; I needed to achieve this; it was a delightful goal I set myself. Well, the next day there I sat thinking how I could break the verbal ice. It was not as easy to do this here as is usually the case. Maryam was always with another group of girls, dressed and acting similarly, usually conversing with each other in a language of which I knew very little. Although they all had excellent English when required. They were an insular group, not even appearingTo speak much to the young men of their ethnic and religious persuasion. I reasoned that if I just walked over to her and said, “Hi, I’m Niruup,” or, “Can I borrow a floppy disc?” or any such platitude then I would probably just embarrass her and myself to no end. It was as though she was in some kind of a closed community, a world of the ‘other’ where I didn’t know the rules. So I did nothing.However, fate lending a helping hand, the next day proved more fortunate. It seemed that.
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