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Oh, I knew that part well! I had it hammered into me so often, far toooften, so that even I accepted their form of reasoning as being thetruth. It was told to me in so many words and shown in so many ways. Words spoken were sometimes very direct, "You may be a part of thisfamily, but that doesn't mean we have to love or accept you", to havingmy mother point out some woman or girl and say, "She's just exactly likethe daughter I should have had instead of you."Somehow in my mother's hypochondriac and drug-demented mind, she tookthis "fault of mine", to an extreme. In her fantasy world, her daughterwould have always been there to take care of her. All the problems causedby being caught "doctors shopping", driving under the influence, all thepain that she suffered, and all the time in jail or in mental wards wouldnever have happened. I was at fault for that and I needed to be punished.So punished I was... Some times I was beaten. Never was I viciously beaten, but nonetheless,many times. .."What's the difference between a rooster and you, Fanny Annie? A rooster says, cockadoodledoo, you would say, anycockledoo". ha ha ha, I laughed.Just then I saw a tear coming out of Fanny Annie. I felt a bit guilty, but carried on insulting her anyway. The more I was insulting her the more she shed tears. I saw my carrier scooping the tears from her and she was allowing it, because her lips started to open up, and more tears were coming out. I was feeling really guilty. I saw my master insert two fingers into Fanny Annie. I suspect it was to help wipe away her tears, but the tears kept flowing. I stopped making jokes and apologised to Fanny Annie for making her cry. She kindly asked if I would go inside her. I was bemused by the comment, because I had no idea what to do. Soon enough as I got close to Fanny Annie, I started to have the same physical experiences as my carrier choking me with his hand, yet I was doing it by myself. There was no fabric to rub against. This.
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