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One of the most effusive compliments came from a mysterious admirer. He told me I looked like an ancient fertility goddess, wide hips, shapely thighs, and a wonderful bust. If I let him- and I did, of course- he would rave on and on about how beautiful I was. Eventually, we agreed to meet on-line for an audio chat session, where we would play out our mutual fantasy; an incestuous liaison between a mother and her son, with her at risk of becoming pregnant. It was so gloriously taboo, and I had looked forward to it immensely.When the time came, I was disappointed. Not by him, of course, but because of technical difficulties at his end; he could not get his microphone working, and could not use the one built into his laptop for fear of his mother- asleep down the hall- hearing what he was about. But we made do, and he typed whilst I spoke, masking my accent and husking my voice to conceal my natural tone. And, oh, he had a devious mind; he asked me what my son's name was, and I told him. I couldn’t stomach food for three weeks. I couldn’t stand to be in the kitchen cooking dinner for my family. My stomach kept heaving. I picked at pathetic morsels I’d put on my plate so my family wouldn’t notice. I lost weight rapidly, my cheeks became gaunt and my hair and skin looked lifeless. I went for my nightly walks, taking the dog with me. I sat on the bank’s edge by the creek and bawled my eyes out. My family needed me, but I couldn’t give them anything of myself. I had nothing to give. Why me? Why the hell me? Why let me fall in love so deeply, only to take it away from me? I couldn’t come to terms with the loss at all. At any point in any day, I would burst into tears. The loss of control I felt when these tears smothered me, scared me to death. I could be in my car driving in traffic to work, and suddenly this overwhelming ache would move up my shoulders, up the back of my neck and culminate in floods of tears. I’d arrive at work only to tell them I couldn’t cope and then.
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