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"You just pile it up."I tackled the apartment with gusto. Shocked at how much still reminded me of Derek. I tossed the comforter from off of the bed. Many of my clothes hanging in the closet. All way too small for me now. I couldn't help remember how Eddie explained how sexy I was at this size. Just looking at those clothes reminded me of how tightly controlled Derek kept me. No, those days are over. I picked up the photo album and tossed that on the pile in the living room."Hey!" Billy grabbed my arm. "Not those." Huh?" The photos. Keep em." Why? Why in the world would I want those reminders?" Come here hey?" Billy pulled me in for a hug. "I don't have to open the front cover to know what's in them. And it's more than just an old love. Those photos contain your life. Be it a happy time, or unhappy time. They are your life, your history. Keep it. One day you may want to look back and remember. Even if it's just to see how far you've come from there. Or maybe to keep you from falling. But I didn’t explore much because we spent most of our time on the deck, enjoying the sun. Madison spent the trip there in a white bikini, lapping up the sun and reading Anais Nin’s Delta of Venus. She surprises me sometimes. She puts on this show of being young and naïve and accommodating, but she’s actually quite strategic, and I often wonder what her real intentions are. What is her end game? She’s like an actress who never comes out of character, and to be honest, I have no idea who she really is. There is something that kind of appeals to me about that. It’s like living, breathing, and touching a fantasy, and somehow that feels safe in a way that I can’t quite explain. I also wonder, though, what this is really about for her, and I feel unsettled by the fact that I can’t figure her out and I don’t understand what game she is playing or how I fit into it. Don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of pleasure for the sake of pleasure, and I like exploring this new world, but I know.
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