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I broke into Renéewed sobs as I grasped for reasons Malichai and I could never be married. And although my cop-outs were weak, I offered them up with vehemence. ‘Mama, he will be just like the others, he already has been. Eventually they all break my heart, I just can’t take that again, I’ll die Mama! He has proved it once before that all he can offer me is heart ache … what happens when he wants to ‘experiment’ again? What if the next little adventure he wants to try involves adding partners, or worse? I love him bad Mama, but I just cannot marry him!’ She did not get to reply to my rant. ‘I’m not him anymore Justine. I am not the man who broke your heart four years ago Bubbles. And I am not those other guys either, nothing like them, not anymore Love. What I am is here Justine. I am standing here before you needing to love you for the rest of my life!’ Malichai’s voice was tired, but determined as he made his case. ‘Mama I have to …’ ‘I know Baby. Go, talk to him, and when you two. I had never faked an orgasm in my life and I was not about to start now. Could I get past that hurdle? I also found the whole idea of a naked woman on top of my naked body or between my opened legs a little unsettling. I had left that world, and my fear was that acting out this fantasy for my man could reawaken my desire for women. I doubted this would happen, but… I also knew I was not an exhibitionist – not by any measure.How best to arrange for my man’s fantasy to take place and concern over these personal fears occupied my mind for a few days, but when I got busy they went away. They came back a month or so later at my country home in New Jersey where I spend weekends. I received a telephone call from a very pleasant sounding woman. She told me her name was Joan and explained that a mutual friend of ours had told her about my wishes. She said, “Pat described your past relationship with her and your current situation. I understand and, if you would like, I am willing to meet with.
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