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I couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t cold. My lungs weren’t hurting particularly. I knew what had happened. I was dead. The murk was just the mess I’d made of my life. Maybe I would have eternity to clear it up. For some reason I remembered just when I’d lost Hope.My mid-life crisis hit the day I realized thirty-three was half-way through my life expectancy. Of course, technically, having already survived Viet Nam, I should have had a much longer life expectancy than the sixty-six that was estimated in 1982, but apparently I had seriously over-estimated.At thirty-three, I’d just been promoted to full partner and celebrated by buying a brand new bright yellow Mustang convertible. I moved to a new apartment in a trendy part of town where I could hold huge parties for young, equally trendy people. There was just one thing missing in my life, and I went hunting for a beautiful, young, and trendy girlfriend. Hope springs eternal.Hope was her name.We met at the top of Mt. Si on a Saturday. She asked me what I wanted. What I wanted was to be anywhere but there, anywhere but in Liesel’s doorway watching her gnaw the last bits of sweet flesh off of that core in her underwear, but she didn’t give me that option. I tried to hold out the sweater, to tell her she left it at my apartment, but she just took my wrist and pulled me in and shut the door behind me and asked me another question. Later, people said I should’ve saw it coming. But with Liesel, I could never tell. She had the craziest ideas. It always took me a few minutes longer to catch up to her than to anyone else. That was why I didn’t answer when she asked me if I’d ever been with a woman. I was trying to process (therapist should like that one) what she’d just said, and maybe that’s why I found myself on Liesel’s bed instead of in the elevator, heading home. Maybe if I’d just said no, then I’d still be…. Well, it doesn’t matter, because I didn’t say anything, and I ended up on that lemon yellow quilt she always.
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